A Fresh Start

As I sit here thinking about my life over the last few weeks, months, years, I can’t help but think over and over again that I just need a fresh start. I need to start over. Reset. How much easier would it be if I could just start from scratch?

And then there’s the crushing reality: A fresh start doesn’t exist.

Our spiritual and mental selves aren’t much different from our physical bodies. If I could go back, start over from 6th grade, right back to when I hit puberty and got these hips and this stomach and everything fun that comes with growing older, I would. Not because I loved that time in my life but because with the knowledge I have now about how to take care of myself and how important it is to eat better and to be active and to wash my face, etc. I would have succeeded through all those years. I would be an entirely different person now if I had just made certain things a priority then. I wouldn’t be struggling against my body to get to where I would like to be, instead it would have been habit and I’d already be there.

But I can’t. I can’t go back to that moment and then change the way I did things. I can’t undo all those slices of pizza I ate, or the unholy amount of taco bell I’ve consumed over the years. Would I? Absolutely. Can I? No. The only thing I can do is to work hard now to try to undo any damage I’ve done and get back to where I would have been if it had never happened.

The same concept applies in the sense of my spiritual self.

If I could go back, start over to my first misstep, I would. Not because I miss the sin or want to repeat any of my mistakes, but because I know better now. I know how things work, how things spiral. If I could go back and change the one mistake that began the spiral, I could avoid so many things. Maybe already be exactly where I wish I was.

But there’s that crushing reality again, that I just can’t. Unfortunately I can’t undo any mistakes and start over as if I had never done any of them. I have to just continue forward, and find a way to overcome them and get back to where I want to be.

It’s hard to pick my favorite part of the atonement. Actually, I can’t even claim to have a favorite part, because literally every single part of it is too amazing for me to even fully comprehend, let alone to choose favorites. Every day a different part of it applies to me in a different way. It’s beautiful and amazing like that.

These days, I need all of it. Every piece. I need the healing power of the atonement, the enabling power of the atonement, the comforting power of the atonement, the cleansing power of the atonement, and the redeeming power of the atonement. All of that put together does what I can’t do: It cleans the slate. It can’t undo time wasted or spent not being who I want to be, but the only actually important thing is who I am in the eyes of my Heavenly Father, and the atonement makes it possible for me to stand blameless in front of Him again. ***“He who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more.” *(D&C 58:42)

The atonement lets me fix the things I’ve done. And it’s not easy. It’s definitely not as easy as it would have been if I had just done the right things from the beginning. If I had just eaten well and exercised from the time I was 11 to now, going on a 3 mile run tonight would be much easier than it’s going to be because of the years of neglect that I’ve done. But it’s doable. I’ll breathe hard and want to die sometimes and feel a little like I’m going to throw up, but I’ll get through it and the next run will be slightly easier until finally I’m able to do it with no problems and my body is running exactly like I want it to. And spiritual growth won’t be much different from that. It’ll be hard, and painful at times. But each thing that pushes against my comfort zone will make the next thing a little bit easier. I’ll grow and strengthen my weaknesses slowly until finally I’m back on pace, right where I want and need my spirit to be. It could have been easier, but it could have also been impossible. I am so grateful that the atonement has made the impossible possible for me.

And so I start. I don’t start over, I don’t start from the beginning. But I start from exactly where I am. I don’t have a clean slate, but I will. I’m weak, but I can be strong. I won’t be okay at times, but I’ll be perfect in the end.

And in the meantime, I’m still a daughter of God. An imperfect one, but a daughter of God none the less.