Delicate Arch.

Hiking and I have never gotten along.

When I was 15, I went with my youth group to Mt Timpanogos and hiked to the ice caves. Pretty much the only thing I can remember from that trip was hating ever last second of it, and thinking the entire time that I wanted to stop. I even begged my leader to let me stop, and no matter how much she begged me to keep going and assured me that the ice caves would be worth it, I didn’t believe her. I remember crying, and I remember stopping often, and I remember how mad I was that no one would let me quit.

Flash forward to a week ago.

Some things to note:
-It was cold, just slightly above freezing.
-I was not dressed well, just thin leggings, a not very warm winter coat, and not quite broken in yet hiking boots.
-I was tired, it was day 4 of the road trip where we had already gone to 4 national parks before this and we had been sleeping in a car at truck stops.

And here I was, at Arches National Park for the first time ever. And I knew exactly what I wanted to see.
Delicate Arch.

Over the last few years, I’ve grown more and more excited to go here. I have listened to coworkers talk about it constantly, and I have looked at countless photos of people I know hiking to and standing with this iconic arch, and I subconsciously made it a goal. One day, I was going to go to Arches. And I was going to hike to Delicate Arch. And I was going to take pictures just like all of the ones I had seen.
So there I was, about 30 minutes away from the sunset, and standing at the beginning of the trail.
People hurried past me, not even seemingly to notice that there was snow and ice everywhere.
Girls walked by me in their crappy winter fashion boots, acting like this was the easiest stroll they had ever been on.
Children literally ran up the hill in front of me.
And there was me. Struggling to walk in these stupid boots that I haven’t worn enough yet to break in or feel comfortable in yet. Struggling to find my step in the snow. Struggling to not look down the side of the hill at how far of a fall it would be if I somehow slipped.
I’m not going to lie. I cried. More than once.
My friend kept offering to turn around. First, when he noticed how cold I was. And I said no. Then when I fell on the ice. And I said no. Then when I saw the uphill climb and started sobbing. And I said no. Then when we got halfway up the uphill climb and I started crying again. And I said no.

Hiking and I have never gotten along.

In the past, every time it has been hard, I have begged to stop. I’m more of a walk around the block type of a girl than a hike a mountain type of a girl. But over the last few years, I have annoyed myself.
I’m tired of avoiding things simply because they’re difficult, or not enjoyable.
I’m tired of seeing the same thing every day because I’m comfortable there.
I’m tired of not seeing so many amazing things because I’m scared of the effort it will take to get there.

So I have been trying to say yes, and not beg to stop halfway through. And I’ve gone on amazing hikes, and seen some of the most beautiful views, and struggled the entire way without giving up.
I am trying to be a more determined person.
So I cried. I cried because I was terrified, and a little cold, and so exhausted, and horribly embarrassed. And I cried because I knew how badly I wanted to stop and give up. And I cried because I simultaneously did not want to stop at all.

I didn’t make it to Delicate Arch.
When we got near the end, there was too much snow and the sun had set long before we reached that point and everything that had started to melt during the day had frozen again.
I am trying to be a more determined person. But I am also not trying to die by slipping on ice and falling to my death.
So this time I don’t feel like I gave up, I just made a decision to not kill myself out of determination, and to come back and try again later.

I guess I’m not sure what the moral of this story is, or why I felt like it was important enough to blog about it, when I hardly ever blog these days. I guess all I’m trying to say with this whole long story is that making a decision to be better and stronger is not easy, even when we want it to be. And even when we are determined, there will still be times where we cry the whole way up. And even when we cry the whole way up and do our best, sometimes we don’t make it like expected, and we have to turn around and try again later.
And at the start of this new year and the start of so many goals, I just want to say that it really is ok to cry and want to stop. And it really is ok to have to turn around and start over.

Happy New Year.