More.

Today I feel like less.

Today, my alarm went off and I immediately hit snooze. I had cried myself to sleep, and the last thing I wanted to do was get up and run.
Today, I got up eventually, and stared at myself in the mirror and considered getting back in bed for the third day in a row instead of continuing my habit that I have been working on this year. There wasn’t enough progress for how many hours I have spent running.
Today, I tried to take a selfie to show someone my new retainer, and I deleted picture after picture after picture.
Today, I sat at my desk and got messages from coworkers asking if I was ok, and refused to open them because that conversation felt like too much.
Today, someone asked me if I’ve written anything lately, and saying no felt an awful lot like throwing up.

I posted a picture earlier. At work, they asked us to pick one word to define our year. I chose "More."

Today I stared at my word and thought about it. When I chose it last week, I felt confident in it. I wanted more from this year, more from myself. And it felt obtainable.

But today, I felt like less. Less than the person I want to be. Less than my goals. Less than everyone around me. Less than I have been. Less happy. Less loved. Less myself. Less.

Being more sometimes feels unobtainable. It sometimes feels so out of reach that I don’t even want to try. It sometimes feels like getting out of bed to run is the most pointless thing to do, like it would take all of my effort and result in nothing.

Today I got out of bed anyway. I ran a mile less than I had wanted, but ran anyway. Today I took a thousand selfies, and deleted 999 of them, and sent one that I didn’t absolutely hate. Today I convinced myself to open up my messages and be honest: Today is rough but I’m alright. Today I opened up my notebook on lunch and wrote something in an attempt to give myself a solid answer to respond with next time someone asks.

Sometimes being more isn’t grand. Sometimes being more doesn’t mean hitting all of my goals and being exactly who I want to be already. Sometimes being more just means that when I feel like less, I continue to try to be more anyway.

If I were truly less, I would not have tried at all.
Today, I am more.